Monday, August 3, 2009

Your Monday morning moment of WTF??

My tv boyfriend Anthony Bourdain has said some pretty harsh things about tablescape maven Sandra Lee.  Such as:
The most terrifying thing I've seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don't burst into flames. It's a war crime on television. You'll scream.

To be fair, he's not wrong.  Seriously, what is going on there?  Corn nuts?  Corn nuts??

But you can only talk smack for so long until your words ... and the object of derision ... catch up with you.

I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.

An icy, tendril of fear runs down my spine. I turn and find myself looking straight into the deceptively attractive and reasonable looking face of Sandra Lee.

Now, I've said some unkind things over the years about Sandra. Far too many and far too terrible things to ever apologize for. Plus, I pretty much meant every word. Once you've seen Sandra making Kwanzaa Cake on YouTube, there's no backing down.  Sandra is talking. I know this cause her lips are moving and she's saying--overtly anyway, nice things. Like "You're a very naughty man," and she's chatting amiably with my wife. But one hand is picking over me like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest, most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say, would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my ears are red yet. (They were.) Having had her way with me, she leaves the emptied husk of my carcass teetering at the table and moves on.

I felt like the victim of a drive-by shooting. "What just..happened?" I said with a weak, trembly voice. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the quiet but very thorough disembowelment that had just occurred. Nothing. It had looked, to anyone who'd care to notice, like any other cocktail party conversation--but I knew better. I had looked into those eyes. I'd seen. Oh, she was smiling all right, but I'm pretty damn sure you could have dragged a rusty butterknife across my carotid artery right there at the table and her expression would not have changed, maybe only the eyes, they'd roll over white as I geysered onto the chafing dishes.

All things considered, I think their encounter went pretty well.  Team Tony!

via via via Eat Me Daily


Ms Constantine said...

I'm not familiar with this woman so I don't really get it.

Is it because she basically cut a sponge in half and put some store bought icing and huge candles in it and called it making a cake? Cause if that's what this is about then I totally get it.
Why the fuck does she have a show? Even the "food in a minute" they show in the ad breaks in NZ is better than this!

I loved the mash up though. The loooooooong thick 9 inch...

Whit said...

Yes. That's what she calls making it a cake ... and then put corn nuts on it.

I've only seen a few of her shows, but she doesn't seem to actually enjoy food or cooking. It's like a bizarro world cooking show.