Happy Kwanzaa! Pass the corn nuts.

You've seen it. You're mocked it. You've thrown up in your mouth a little at the sight of it ... but have you ever wondered how it came to be?

While semi-homemade Sandra Lee may have unleashed the Kwanzaa cake upon the world, she didn't actually write the recipe. That blame credit goes to cookbook author Denise Vivaldo. Her mea culpa has been taken down from the Huffington Post where it originally appeared, but nothing ever truly disappears from the interwebs ...

In my defense, I must start at the beginning. I've been developing recipes for cookbook authors and food companies for over twenty years ... I sell recipes from $100-$400 dollars apiece plus the cost of groceries. I love it. Not only is it fun, creative and challenging, I get to study all kinds of food. Most projects are just plain terrific. I'm humbled by the amazing people I've gotten to write and work for.

But (isn't there always a but?)...wait for it...wait for it. 

One night in my office, at least 10 years ago, my phone rang. I answered it. If only I had noticed that my dogs started to howl and blood mysteriously started seeping from the walls. Alas, I did not. So excited to close the sale, I made an appointment with a personal assistant to meet "the next Martha Stewart, only bigger." I was happy to think about this latest project that would help feed my assistants.

It turned out that the premise of this cookbook would be "delicious desserts with nothing made from scratch." This book would be the second in a series. The first book was almost done, but apparently the writer, food stylist and recipe tester from that first book had all gone sailing in the Bermuda Triangle to celebrate and had disappeared. The books were being self-published by Ms. Lee, unless she could find a publisher, ASAP. She really, really wanted a publishing partner.

I 'm not sure if it was because my head was spinning 360 degrees and my retinas had become burned by some horrible smoke that seemed to fill the room whenever she moved, but I wasn't grasping the concept. "No fresh food. Just canned food. Nothing fresh, do you understand me? All food out of cans or boxes, so it's easy for the homemaker ...and write the brand name of the cans or boxes right in the recipe."

I assumed it was the ten years of smoking dope in my formative years that was making me stupid. Then I thought, okay, this is another slant on The Cake Mix Doctor, by Anne Byrn. A book that had been wildly successful. I can do this.

Before you say a word, let me say one more thing in my defense.

I have people that depend on me for their livelihood. Assistants, designers, photographers, and especially my American Express Platinum card. I sign the checks, so I have to bring in the money. To make my small business work, I took the job. First time I ever signed a contract. Of all the truly big stars and real celebrities I've worked with, it was always just a handshake and my reputation for getting the job done that created the deal. To put it simply, I deliver what I say I will.

Thirteen months past and after exactly 151 recipes, I tried to fake my death.

Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for "fun" sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine ... Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea.

I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn't. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She's not a good role model for abstinence.

I've never watched any of the videos on YouTube. My priest says, "Never call the devil."

And to think, Anthony Bourdain was afraid of her. Crap, he was never even close.

Woman behind ‘Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake’ Explains Debacle | EURweb

IT BURNS! OH GOD, IT BURNS!!!!!

I'm a deeply indebted to @bobbyhank for alerting me to some exciting news - today is the 31st anniversary of the airing of one of the greatest achievements in teevee history. I can't believe I almost missed it!

To mark the day I'm reposting this entry from the 12/26/08 wax|wendy archives. Don't say I never gave you anything ...

********

When I was a kid, there were a few occasions when gifts would magically appear a few days after Christmas. One year, my mom forgot about a pair of earrings she'd gotten me. Another year, my brother really, really, really wanted a Colossal Fossil Fight. Mom couldn't find the game anywhere, and finally happened upon one, on sale, post-Christmas.

So she put it under my brother's bed, and told him she thought maybe Santa had come back with an extra present for him. Oh, the joy in our house that day! Oh, the hours of fun and entertainment we had!

The present I leave under your bed today? Yeah, it's nothing like that at all.

Behold! I give you ... The Star Wars Holiday Special ...



Under no circumstances should you try and watch this 2 hour abomination in one go. I barely made it through the list of guest stars, and that's only the first 2 1/2 minutes. Bea Arthur! Diahann Carroll! Art Carney! Harvey Korman! It's like an episode of the Love Boat up in here.

Enjoy!

Your Monday morning moment of WTF??

My tv boyfriend Anthony Bourdain has said some pretty harsh things about tablescape maven Sandra Lee.  Such as:

The most terrifying thing I've seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don't burst into flames. It's a war crime on television. You'll scream.

To be fair, he's not wrong.  Seriously, what is going on there?  Corn nuts?  Corn nuts??

But you can only talk smack for so long until your words ... and the object of derision ... catch up with you.

I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.

An icy, tendril of fear runs down my spine. I turn and find myself looking straight into the deceptively attractive and reasonable looking face of Sandra Lee.

Now, I've said some unkind things over the years about Sandra. Far too many and far too terrible things to ever apologize for. Plus, I pretty much meant every word. Once you've seen Sandra making Kwanzaa Cake on YouTube, there's no backing down.  Sandra is talking. I know this cause her lips are moving and she's saying--overtly anyway, nice things. Like "You're a very naughty man," and she's chatting amiably with my wife. But one hand is picking over me like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest, most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say, would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my ears are red yet. (They were.) Having had her way with me, she leaves the emptied husk of my carcass teetering at the table and moves on.

I felt like the victim of a drive-by shooting. "What just..happened?" I said with a weak, trembly voice. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the quiet but very thorough disembowelment that had just occurred. Nothing. It had looked, to anyone who'd care to notice, like any other cocktail party conversation--but I knew better. I had looked into those eyes. I'd seen. Oh, she was smiling all right, but I'm pretty damn sure you could have dragged a rusty butterknife across my carotid artery right there at the table and her expression would not have changed, maybe only the eyes, they'd roll over white as I geysered onto the chafing dishes.

All things considered, I think their encounter went pretty well.  Team Tony!

via via via Eat Me Daily

Mmm ... this cheese is delicious!

I don't wanna wait ... oops, wrong team drama

So, even though I've blogged about it before ... and I pretty much know all the characters and salient plots points ... I don't watch One Tree Hill.

I don't.

BUT. When one happens to be in Wilmington, NC anyway visiting dear friends, and the opportunity presents itself to take the EUE Screen Gems studio tour and see where the show is filmed .. well.   One goes.

Sadly, this was the only shot I could take on the tour, as the CW doesn't want fans giving anything away.

But we did get to see the high school set including Haley's classroom and the locker room (with poor dead Q's locker *sniff*), Brooke's house (which included a tutorial on product placement from our tour guide), Peyton's office and recording studio, and Nathan and Haley's house. As to the last one, seriously y'all. Nevermind the fact of what 22 year old couple with a 5 year old kid has a house with a pool (and a crazy stalker nanny), what 22 year old couple with a 5 year old kid has a house that nicely decorated? There wasn't a futon or stick of Ikea furniture to be seen. Way to help me suspend my disbelief, SHOW.

Not that I watch. Or have started watching again, so that I can say to myself, "Hey! I was there!"  Because that hasn't happened.

And when one is already in Wilmington, and has a friend who's willing to humour one, one might drive around to see the exterior locations.  Places such as:

Clothes over Bros, formerly Brooke's clothing boutique, before she was attacked and the store trashed, and she decided that maybe her mom, Victoria, had a hand in it and decided to hell with it and gave control of the company back to Mommy Dearest so she could raise a teenage runaway and learn valuable life lessons.

It appears to have also once been Karen's Cafe, the business run by Lucas' mom (toe pick!) before she married Andy the hot Kiwi college professor and had poor dead Keith's baby and they moved away and left the show because parents - when they're not evol Dan - just get in the way in these teen-ish dramas.

UPDATED TO ADD: One thing that we really, truly didn't do was knock on the door of "Peyton's House" and bother the nice family that lives there.


And then we cruised over to the Battleship North Carolina ... and the River Courts.  Scene of many a brooding, dramatic moment where someone, usually Lucas or Nathan, learn an important life lesson.

And we may have also driven over to this warehouse where my friend Dan's ship has a storage space ... but more importantly, it's the exterior of Tric, the all ages nightclub that Karen and Peyton opened and out of which Peyton now runs her music label Red Bedroom Records.

This last picture has nothing to do with One Tree Hill, but it is a delicacy to which I do look forward when I'm in NC. Mmmm ... Cheerwine. Or, as my brother likes to call it, god's own sweat.

 

Star Wars - Episode IV: What the Frak????

I hope you've recovered sufficiently from my earlier Star Wars post. Because this is only slightly easier to watch. Although I can't really hate. I loved this show back in the day. 

You know you're going to sing along with the song at the end.  No?  Just me?  



via io9

One size does not fit all

Nineteen episode of Square Pegs are available now on hulu.com (sadly, only for users in the US. I know, these effers need to get with the program already. Spread the love. Go global).

I fear that the actual show won't live up to my memories of it. As happened with a failed revisiting of Land of the Lost. Wow was that show terrible. It did not take much to impress me when I was 7. Although the sleestaks still freak me right the hell out.

Find out what happens when people stop being polite

True confession time. I once applied to be on MTV's The Real World.

I know, right?

To be fair, it was almost 15 years ago when they were casting for Season 3 in San Francisco. Somewhere, in a box in my parents' basement, is a politely worded letter of rejection from MTV explaining that I just wasn't quite what they were looking for.   

Oh, come on!  I totes could have been the naive blond girl who cried a lot and had difficulty being confrontational and felt out of place most of the time.

Whatever.  They went with this naive blond girl who cried a lot instead.

I was reminded of this bit of personal trivia after catching a promo clip for the upcoming season at Best Week Ever

MTV Shows

Huh. So I guess if my 22 year old self was applying now, I would be rejected on the grounds that I'm not suffering from PTSD, have a borderline personality disorder, and/or anger management issues. 

Well, not that any of you know about at least.

I'm mildly intrigued.  Not enough to, you know, actually get cable.   But what I'm most fascinated by is the show's longevity and influence on the reality genre.  Bunim-Murray kind of invented it.  At the very least, The Real World provided a proof of concept.  And the kids who are cast now have grown up with it.  When I applied, it was still new enough to seem like a grand adventure.  A lark before I got on with the business of being a grown up.  Now, being on a reality show is practically a viable career option.

Hellannoying Beth S. from Season 2, I'm looking at you.

So good luck Season 21 fresh meat.  We're rooting for you.  WE'RE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU!!!!

Yay! Boo!

Yay!  Nathan Fillion will be back on my TV!  I wonder if his new show will last longer than Firefly and Drive?

Wildly famous mystery novelist Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion), who is bored with his own success, learns that a real-world copycat killer has started staging murder scenes depicted in his novels. Rick is soon questioned by NYPD Detective Kate Beckett (Stana Katic, “The Spirit”), a very bright, aggressive detective who keeps her investigations under tight rein. Rick and Kate’s styles instantly clash, yet sparks begin to fly, leading both to danger and a hint of romance as Castle steps in to help find the killer. And once that case is solved, he and Beckett build upon their new relationship as they look to solve strange homicides in New York – as much fun as one can have with death & murder. 

Yeah ... I'm thinking not so much. Sorry, Mal.

Boo! Another reality based steaming POS from Ashton Kutcher.

GAME SHOW IN MY HEAD, a hidden camera game show from Ashton Kutcher. Ordinary people must perform extraordinary tasks on an unsuspecting public to win up to $50,000. Under the watchful eye of host Joe Rogan ("Joe's last name is Garelli?"), each contestant performs five outrageous, embarrassing and hilarious tasks worth $5,000 each. In a no-holds-barred bonus round, each contestant has the chance to double their money up to $50,000.

Hey, you know what would be HI-larious? Me, punching Ashton Kutcher in the throat repeatedly. Hell, I'll do it for free.

via The Watcher

Just an excuse to post this photo

io9 has an article about some crap movie the Sci Fi channel is producing blah blah blah who cares Spike is hot.

My eyes! My eyes!

I don't watch One Tree Hill. Seriously, I don't. SHUT UP STOP JUDGING ME!! But apparently, James Vanderbeek will be guest starring on tonight's episode.

Oh, James.

Let's review what the other Dawson's kids are up to, shall we? Michelle Williams? Oscar nominated actress. Katie Holmes? Got married, had a kid, lives quietly in LA. Pacey? Starring in a JJ Abrams show.

Dawson, you might seriously want to think about getting a new agent. Like, now.