Showing posts with label bacony goodness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bacony goodness. Show all posts

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happy Kwanzaa! Pass the corn nuts.

You've seen it. You're mocked it. You've thrown up in your mouth a little at the sight of it ... but have you ever wondered how it came to be?

While semi-homemade Sandra Lee may have unleashed the Kwanzaa cake upon the world, she didn't actually write the recipe. That blame credit goes to cookbook author Denise Vivaldo. Her mea culpa has been taken down from the Huffington Post where it originally appeared, but nothing ever truly disappears from the interwebs ...

In my defense, I must start at the beginning. I've been developing recipes for cookbook authors and food companies for over twenty years ... I sell recipes from $100-$400 dollars apiece plus the cost of groceries. I love it. Not only is it fun, creative and challenging, I get to study all kinds of food. Most projects are just plain terrific. I'm humbled by the amazing people I've gotten to write and work for.
But (isn't there always a but?)...wait for it...wait for it. 
One night in my office, at least 10 years ago, my phone rang. I answered it. If only I had noticed that my dogs started to howl and blood mysteriously started seeping from the walls. Alas, I did not. So excited to close the sale, I made an appointment with a personal assistant to meet "the next Martha Stewart, only bigger." I was happy to think about this latest project that would help feed my assistants.
It turned out that the premise of this cookbook would be "delicious desserts with nothing made from scratch." This book would be the second in a series. The first book was almost done, but apparently the writer, food stylist and recipe tester from that first book had all gone sailing in the Bermuda Triangle to celebrate and had disappeared. The books were being self-published by Ms. Lee, unless she could find a publisher, ASAP. She really, really wanted a publishing partner.
I 'm not sure if it was because my head was spinning 360 degrees and my retinas had become burned by some horrible smoke that seemed to fill the room whenever she moved, but I wasn't grasping the concept. "No fresh food. Just canned food. Nothing fresh, do you understand me? All food out of cans or boxes, so it's easy for the homemaker ...and write the brand name of the cans or boxes right in the recipe."
I assumed it was the ten years of smoking dope in my formative years that was making me stupid. Then I thought, okay, this is another slant on The Cake Mix Doctor, by Anne Byrn. A book that had been wildly successful. I can do this.
Before you say a word, let me say one more thing in my defense.
I have people that depend on me for their livelihood. Assistants, designers, photographers, and especially my American Express Platinum card. I sign the checks, so I have to bring in the money. To make my small business work, I took the job. First time I ever signed a contract. Of all the truly big stars and real celebrities I've worked with, it was always just a handshake and my reputation for getting the job done that created the deal. To put it simply, I deliver what I say I will.
Thirteen months past and after exactly 151 recipes, I tried to fake my death.
Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for "fun" sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine ... Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea.
I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn't. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She's not a good role model for abstinence.
I've never watched any of the videos on YouTube. My priest says, "Never call the devil."
And to think, Anthony Bourdain was afraid of her. Crap, he was never even close.



Woman behind ‘Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake’ Explains Debacle | EURweb

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

And I can kick! I'm strong!

So apparently the beard, and the rap career, and the wacky late night TV appearances were all a part of an elaborate performance art piece.

Sometimes, the best theatre is real life.



via laughing squid

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

IT BURNS! OH GOD, IT BURNS!!!!!

I'm a deeply indebted to @bobbyhank for alerting me to some exciting news - today is the 31st anniversary of the airing of one of the greatest achievements in teevee history. I can't believe I almost missed it!

To mark the day I'm reposting this entry from the 12/26/08 wax|wendy archives. Don't say I never gave you anything ...

********

When I was a kid, there were a few occasions when gifts would magically appear a few days after Christmas. One year, my mom forgot about a pair of earrings she'd gotten me. Another year, my brother really, really, really wanted a Colossal Fossil Fight. Mom couldn't find the game anywhere, and finally happened upon one, on sale, post-Christmas.

So she put it under my brother's bed, and told him she thought maybe Santa had come back with an extra present for him. Oh, the joy in our house that day! Oh, the hours of fun and entertainment we had!

The present I leave under your bed today? Yeah, it's nothing like that at all.

Behold! I give you ... The Star Wars Holiday Special ...



Under no circumstances should you try and watch this 2 hour abomination in one go. I barely made it through the list of guest stars, and that's only the first 2 1/2 minutes. Bea Arthur! Diahann Carroll! Art Carney! Harvey Korman! It's like an episode of the Love Boat up in here.

Enjoy!

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Where there is fire, there is smoke


I LURVES me some Planet of the Apes. #4 - Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is my favorite. I was just a shade too young for the animated series, otherwise I would have been all over Return to the Planet of the Apes. Sadly, it aired for only one season beginning in 1975. Now all 13 episodes are available on hulu.com.

If you're of a certain age, the quality of the animation will immediately take you back. Kindly described as minimalist, it's somehow both well executed and poorly produced, all at the same time.

Kick back, pour yourself a bowl of sugary cereal, and enjoy.



Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Come on Judy, let's put on a show!

The new school year is right around the corner, so it's not too early to start planning for the drama club's big production.  You want something that's challenging for the young actors and accessible for the audience.  Why rely on those hoary old chestnuts like "Our Town" and "Guys and Dolls" when you can put on a show with modern appeal.

Amazon makes it easy with these handy lists that will help you stage Pulp Fiction, Boogie Nights, or Scarface.


Timex Men's Easy Reader Brown Leather Watch: 

"Get the scary kid to nail the awkward pauses and minute of Christoper Walken's epic monologue."












Tubbs Costume (Miami Vice):

"I don't treat you gently ... That's right: I'm Brock Landers. So I'm gonna be nice and I'm gonna ask you one more time ... 

Where the fuck is Ringo?"











Bratz Large Baybz Spa/Bathtub:

"Yell at your trophy wife from the tub while watching a bird show on TV. 

'Money, money, money, money, money; that's all I ever hear in this house.  Manny, look at the pelican fly. Come on, pelican!' "











Monday, August 3, 2009

Your Monday morning moment of WTF??

My tv boyfriend Anthony Bourdain has said some pretty harsh things about tablescape maven Sandra Lee.  Such as:
The most terrifying thing I've seen is her making a Kwanzaa cake. Watch that clip and tell me your eyeballs don't burst into flames. It's a war crime on television. You'll scream.


To be fair, he's not wrong.  Seriously, what is going on there?  Corn nuts?  Corn nuts??

But you can only talk smack for so long until your words ... and the object of derision ... catch up with you.

I'm pretty sure, judging by the vestigial ectoplasm on my jacket that I was sideswiped by pure evil.

An icy, tendril of fear runs down my spine. I turn and find myself looking straight into the deceptively attractive and reasonable looking face of Sandra Lee.

Now, I've said some unkind things over the years about Sandra. Far too many and far too terrible things to ever apologize for. Plus, I pretty much meant every word. Once you've seen Sandra making Kwanzaa Cake on YouTube, there's no backing down.  Sandra is talking. I know this cause her lips are moving and she's saying--overtly anyway, nice things. Like "You're a very naughty man," and she's chatting amiably with my wife. But one hand is picking over me like the meat buyer at Peter Luger selecting a rib section--like some demonic bird of prey is poking and prodding, deciding where the weakest, most tender point of entry is, giving, as I recall, a point by point review of her investigations to my wife--who ordinarily, I have to say, would have been across the table with a tomahawk chop elbow to the top of the skull by now, but who, like me, sits mesmerized and grinning insanely, frozen by the ..bizarrenessof the moment which seems to go on forever as Sandra's hand wanders upward, tugs an ear lobe and asks if my ears are red yet. (They were.) Having had her way with me, she leaves the emptied husk of my carcass teetering at the table and moves on.

I felt like the victim of a drive-by shooting. "What just..happened?" I said with a weak, trembly voice. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the quiet but very thorough disembowelment that had just occurred. Nothing. It had looked, to anyone who'd care to notice, like any other cocktail party conversation--but I knew better. I had looked into those eyes. I'd seen. Oh, she was smiling all right, but I'm pretty damn sure you could have dragged a rusty butterknife across my carotid artery right there at the table and her expression would not have changed, maybe only the eyes, they'd roll over white as I geysered onto the chafing dishes.

All things considered, I think their encounter went pretty well.  Team Tony!



via via via Eat Me Daily

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The hog had stopped squealing. After that, butchering time was great fun.

Offal of the Week: Hog’s Head - Eat Me Daily


Ma scraped and cleaned the head carefully, and then she boiled it till all the meat fell off the bones.  She chopped the meat fine with her chopping knife in the wooden bowl, she seasoned it with pepper and salt and spices.  Then she mixed the pot-liquor with it, and set it away in a pan to cool.  When it was cool it would cut in slices, and that was headcheese.
Little House in the Big Woods, Laura Ingalls Wilder
How, how I longed to kick the pig's bladder around with her!

Friday, May 29, 2009

And this will be released in an adult size when?

PediSedate is a medical device consisting of a colorful, toy-like headset that connects to a game component such as the Nintendo Game Boy system or a portable CD player. Once the child places it on his or her head and swings the snorkel down from its resting place atop the head, PediSedate transparently monitors respiratory function and distributes nitrous oxide, an anesthetic gas. The child comfortably becomes sedated while playing with a Nintendo Game Boy system or listening to music.

via io9