It's a Stampede! Link Roundup - I'll tumblr for ya edition

Suri Cruise and her biting fashion commentary is putting the Hollywood sandbox set on notice.

People want to believe that Harper Beckham and I are going to be rivals. This could not be further from the truth. I have no qualms with well-dressed, well-mannered young celebrities—it’s the slovenly little miscreants I take offense with. (And if you think I’m going to be jealous of a baby’s wardrobe, let me just remind you that I have invested $100,000 of Tom’s money in my shoe collection.)

Suri's Burn Book

If author Cormac McCarthy wrote achingly spare and atmospheric Yelp reviews instead of novels, they would sound something like this:

Paplote Mexican Grill 

Mission - San Francisco, CA Cormac M. | Author | A dusty home at the end of a road, NM

 Two stars

The young cowboy lies in the afternoon sun, gut shot. The bitter tang of cordite and blood mingles in his mouth. In his hand, a pearl handled revolver, still warm. He lies propped against the lone cottonwood. A mile distant, dust trails mark a coming reckoning. Three riders, maybe more. 

His eyes shift upward to a circling vulture, a sentinel of inevitability. The blood is almost black. He has another hour at most. The pain comes in waves, lingering like the burn of bad whiskey. One bullet left in the Colt. 

Something as yet unheralded has died when a quesadilla comes on a spinach tortilla.

Yelping with Cormac by EDW Lynch.

This tumblr is my spirit animal.

ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS by the fabulously funny and prolific Justin Valmassoi.

I'm also pretty sure he was at Nicki and Mark's birthday party.

And while not a tumblr, I do feel the need to mention Cutting Open An Animal And Crawling Inside to Survive A Storm In the Wild.  I've written about this blog before, but after "a year in a concrete wasteland ducking into liquor stores to survive storms", it's back with advice that's more relevant than ever:

An 'expert' on CNN just advised everyone to get to their safe room. He's a damn fool. Room's aren't safe. What holds them together? Nails. Razor sharp steel blades just waiting for the moment a hurricane frees them from bondage so they can ravage you and all those you love. Get out of your house! Get out of your apartment! Get outside before it's too late!

Our only hope is to cut open an animal and crawl inside to survive the storm in the wild.

Cutting Open an Animal and Crawling Inside to Survive a Storm in the Wild

I have too much time on my hands

When you watch all of Season 1 of Spartacus in one sitting and then combine it with Creed's impressive ability to fend off dangerous animals you get this ...

Thracian fends off Spartacus kittens with Creed song - credit: STARZ and Nathan V.

Why yes, I have created a wholly unnecessary tumblr account, and expect CBS to call with a production deal any day now.

If you'd like to see the kittehs in their original, un-Creeded form check out Nathan's Spartacus recaps at Tubular.

Your Monday morning moment of DISASTER!

Huh. Well this changes everything. I may have to change my opinion on Avatar.  Oh Garrison Dean, you've done it again.



2010 IS ALREADY A DISASTER!!!! - Avatar - io9

I review it: Avatar

Oh, yes.  I have seen the blue people.

And fair play to James Cameron.  Avatar is visually stunning in a way words don't do justice.  He set out to create a fully realized, immersive world.  Mission accomplished.  The technology he spent so much time and money developing work flawlessly, translating the actors' performances in a way that felt true and realistic.  Even though Sigourney Weaver did fall a bit into the happy valley for me.

So it's a shame that all that beautiful technology was used to service a paint-by-numbers story.  Several times during the movie I found myself wishing that the script had the same heft as the visuals.  If you're going to create a totally new world, why not give it the totally new story it deserves?

Here now is my recipe for making your own Avatar:

1 page from Rousseau's noble savage

1 part Dances with Wolves

a soucon of Apocalypse Now

a dash of Sgt. Hartmann

A level boot full of evil army

The rave scene from Matrix 2

The "They'll never take our freedom" speech from Braveheart, liberally sprinkled with the "This is our independence day" speech from ID4

The Ewok dance party from Jedi

Cook at 1 billion degrees for 10 years

According to Wired, James Cameron started making movies because he wanted to be George Lucas.  I think he took away some of the wrong lessons from his Sith Lord.  At least he didn't Jar-Jar up the Na'vi, so thanks for that.

Here's hoping that Pixar can successfully hit the sweet spot between tech and story with their John Carter of Mars.

1 1/2 10-foot-tall blue kittehs out of 5.

And fair warning to you James Cameron.  If you run into TortieGirl in a dark alley, there's going to be some pointy reconing coming due.  You owe her $14 and 2 1/2 hours of her life back.

James Cameron’s New 3-D Epic Could Change Film Forever | Wired Magazine

Garrison Dean, I think I love you.  Garrison Dean Thinks You'll Care.: Buh. whu. um. siiigh. My Avatar review.

Avatar | Film | Review | The A.V. Club