Vampires don't sparkle. Ever.

Save us Buffy.  Save us from sparkly emo vampires that waste their immortality with high school and watch us while we sleep.

It's not funny because it's true

Joel Watson's Hijinks Ensue via io9

I review it : Crank 2 High Voltage

Crank 2: High Voltage is 96 minutes of "What the hell? No, seriously, what the hell did I just see? Hey, is that Cory Haim??"

They should really just stop making movies altogether.

Because this is the greatest movie that has been, or ever will be made, in the history of the human race. Now, that is not to say that it isn't offensive, gratuitously violent, and demeaning and degrading to every man, woman, and inanimate object in it. Because it is. 

And it is glorious.

10,000 volts of thumbs up!

We also got the preview for something called The Hangover with Will from Alias and Andy from The Office. The funniest bits are all probably in the trailer, but I'd be willing to pay cash money just for the scene with Iron Mike.

You complete me

Baggage claim cock block.

Now that we've identified it, we can put an end to it.

Seriously, step back from the carousel or I start swinging.

You've been warned.

John Stewart watches the Watchers who watch the Watchmen

And manages to incorporate a BLADE RUNNER reference in the middle to boot!



I heart you John Stewart!

tip o'the hat to T!

Express Lane - 15 items or less

I posted on Friday about the Jedi Chefs.  io9 came upon that link via my new favorite blog, Eat Me Daily.  EMD started serving up deliciousness in October, and they hit that perfect sweet spot of food and pop culture.

Plus, they love bacon and have no patience for Gwyneth "GOOP" Paltrow's food fuckwittery.  That's a win in the wax|wendy book.

These look good don't they?  Raspberry macarons, maybe with a hint of mint?  Nope.  Try ketchup with a hint of cornichon.

Lamb and mint jelly is one thing, but Cajun Squirrel?  Seriously?

Anthony Bourdain, washing down his heart attack with a PBR.  Not for nothing is Chicago the City of Big Shoulders and Hog Butcher to the World.

Marian Burros can bite my shiny D.C. ass

From the vaults, vintage celebrity cookbooks.  Also, that is totally my new FB profile picture.

Temporary tattoos for food lovers.  I'm buying a set of these for everyone I know.

Make your own Lego gummy candy.   Delectable!  Plus, they squish when you step on them.  Parents, you know what I'm talking about.

Dan Coudreaut, the man who put apples in Happy Meals (tm)

Do you know that girl? No, I really don't.

Hey! A tussle.


via videosift.com

Tell me again how Jayne got beat up by a 90 pound girl.



And this? This is fantastic because it's true. The first time I saw a trailer for Serenity I thought to myself, "When did River turn into Buffy?"

British Friday - You Best Step Off My Girl Edition

My love for the Posh is well documented.  And now, word is that the Beckhams are planning to leave the U.S. and return to Europe.  Not quite two years after signing with the LA Galaxy, negotiations are underway for Becks to join AC Milan.  

According to this Reuters article (via Yahoo!News), their departure is being greeted with a general yawn by the rest of Hollywood.

Household names in Britain and the rest of Europe, the Beckhams struggled to translate their appeal to star-heavy Los Angeles.  Victoria Beckham's passion for high heels and tight black dresses were at odds with LA's laid-back flip flops and sweatpants.

Bonnie Fuller, former editor of Us Weekly, said she loved Posh, 34, and her style, but felt the average American did not relate to the former "Spice Girls" singer.

"She didn't have enough hair," Fuller said of Victoria's Beckham's short mane, which she cropped further last year.

"American women are big hair girls. They want celebrities with long, sexy hair which they can aspire to. Posh is also superglam most days, all day, and American women relate much more to Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie's uniform of jeans, T-shirts and sexy little sweaters."

You know what Bonnie Fuller?  You need to step the fuck off.  Seriously, I'm taking my earrings off.  I am not playing with you.

First of all?  Don't get me started on the hair thing.  Are you high?  

Secondly, I personally don't want my stars to be Just Like Us.  I adore that Posh is completely over the top, and ultra glam (although she rocks the boyfriend jeans too), and is totally a character living out her own inner screenplay.   I don't want to relate to her.  I want to live vicariously through her absurd life and imagined conversations with Karl Lagerfeld.  I want to look at red carpet pho-toes of her and think, "Oh Posh.  You've done it again, you little minx".

Not, "She's wearing her dress backwards.  That's original.  I used to do that in high school."

I also love that she has both a sense of humour and self awareness.  She knows that her job is to be Victoria Beckham.  As she told Harpers Bazaar:

If I go to the supermarket looking like shit, that affects my work. I am selling an image.

Gods damn right!

So farewell Posh.  Float above the haters because they just don't matter.  You are MAH-JAH!

British Friday - Walking through your scene edition

NSFW F*ckin Newsies! @ Yahoo! Video

You are not doing the business of the people

OpenCongress - U.S. Congress - H.R.414 Camera Phone Predator Alert Act

HR.414 would "require mobile phones containing digital cameras to make a sound when a photograph is taken".

Now, I appreciate the sentiment and intention of the bill.  There's always going to be some pervert or frakwad who thinks his techmology gives him a right to invade a woman's privacy.

But I think the better way to combat the practice is to allow the victim to stomp the erstwhile snapper in the balls until the sumbitch coughs up blood.  That'll deter the little shits.

And on a more personal note, an audible click may have startled the Yeti I saw on the bus that one time.

Source

Mayhem, murder, and lewd behavior

Saw this preview Friday night too. Hell to the yeah.

My celebrity chef boyfriend. Sigh.

Chewing the Fat: No Reservations' Anthony Bourdain - DCist: Washington DC News, Food, Arts & Events

As if I couldn't possibly love Anthony Bourdain more.  From the DCist interview:

Would you want to do a country-specific exploration show, like the Spain - On the Road show featuring Chef Mario Batali, cookbook writer Mark Bittman and Gwyneth Paltrow?

I would love to do something with Mario. It's been an unrealized ambition to produce a show for Mario, honestly. He's so smart. The guy knows so much. He's easily the funniest and smartest celebrity chef out there. The Spain show. I'm disappointed. After seeing the Spain show, I see room for improvement. Life is good for Mario, he's got life by the tail. It was probably a lot of fun for him to make that show and not too demanding of his time. But I would very much like to produce a show where he tells us everything he knows about Italy. I think that would be good and informative television. I just don't know if he wants to put in the time commitment given all the businesses he has.

Okay, I'll just say it. I think the Spain show is f***ing awful. Mark Bittman comes off unsympathetic to say the least. Bringing someone who cannot or will not eat jamon [Gwyneth Paltrow] to Spain is a misjudgment. My crew grinds their teeth with rage looking at the crummy production values. Bad camera work, bad sound, bad direction. The whole thing sucks. It's unfortunate. It's mesmerizingly awful

And by "misjudgement" I'm sure he really means, "EAT THE FUCKING HAM, BITCH!!"

Issue No. 1 - WRONG! Issue No. 2 - WRONG! Issue No. 3 - WRONG!

I spent this past Christmas week at my parents' house.  I had a lovely time, but my folks live in a pretty conservative area.  It's more challenging than you might think for them to get unfiltered news from the outside world.

(They don't have cable.  Yes, I am my father's daughter.)

For example, The Chris Matthews Show is aired at 6:00 am on Saturday mornings.  Other Sunday political shows, like This Week with George Stephanopoulos and Meet the Press, are regularly interrupted.  The local affiliate will cut away to a commercial mid-sentence, usually when the guest or panelist is offering an opinion counter to the views of the station.  Presumably, the stations are just trying to protect their audience's delicate sensibilities.

It's appalling, but I tell you all this really just as an excuse to post this clip. 

Watch more SpikedHumor videos on AOL Video

I don't wear my hair for you

Jezebel has been reporting on recent "news" articles decrying the pixie cut trend because, according to the authors, it makes you less attractive to the mens, and you'll never get the sex with short hair, and blahblahblah, you know what?  FUCK YOU.  

Because I rock this look.  

In other news, welcome readers (okay, reader) from New Zealand!!!!  I was delighted to read your comment this morning Ms. Constantine.  A response and follow up will be forthcoming.

And I'm all out of bubblegum

Apparently, some crack addict has decided a remake of They Live is needed. I'm sorry, but you can't just up and recreate this kind of cinematic poetry.  You'd have better luck catching lightning in a Coke bottle.

Behold!

And really, it's been done.  I don't think you can hope to do much better.

What flavor ice cream?

I think the Silver Surfer has a case

Yay! Boo!

Yay!  Nathan Fillion will be back on my TV!  I wonder if his new show will last longer than Firefly and Drive?

Wildly famous mystery novelist Richard Castle (Nathan Fillion), who is bored with his own success, learns that a real-world copycat killer has started staging murder scenes depicted in his novels. Rick is soon questioned by NYPD Detective Kate Beckett (Stana Katic, “The Spirit”), a very bright, aggressive detective who keeps her investigations under tight rein. Rick and Kate’s styles instantly clash, yet sparks begin to fly, leading both to danger and a hint of romance as Castle steps in to help find the killer. And once that case is solved, he and Beckett build upon their new relationship as they look to solve strange homicides in New York – as much fun as one can have with death & murder. 

Yeah ... I'm thinking not so much. Sorry, Mal.

Boo! Another reality based steaming POS from Ashton Kutcher.

GAME SHOW IN MY HEAD, a hidden camera game show from Ashton Kutcher. Ordinary people must perform extraordinary tasks on an unsuspecting public to win up to $50,000. Under the watchful eye of host Joe Rogan ("Joe's last name is Garelli?"), each contestant performs five outrageous, embarrassing and hilarious tasks worth $5,000 each. In a no-holds-barred bonus round, each contestant has the chance to double their money up to $50,000.

Hey, you know what would be HI-larious? Me, punching Ashton Kutcher in the throat repeatedly. Hell, I'll do it for free.

via The Watcher

Speak softly and carry a big stick

NPR's Morning Edition had a great piece yesterday about the "Pink Sari Gang".  In a part of India where corruption is rampant and justice is fleeting, one woman, Sampat Devil Pal, got mad as hell and decided she wasn't going to take it anymore. When one of her friends was assaulted - and the authorities did nothing - she organized a group of women to push the police for action.

Sometimes she uses persuasion or shame ... and when that doesn't work, the sticks come out.

These sticks are called lathis. The police in India beat people with them when they want to keep crowds in line. Sampat demonstrates her combat skills, grinning as she spars with an office assistant. The lathis are mainly for self-defense, she says. But the Pink Sari Gang sometimes uses them in anger.

Ms. Pal: (Through Translator) These days, we use them mainly on drunk men. What else are we supposed to do with men that drink and misbehave with women?

Preach it sister.

Corrupt police and officials, looking for a handout? Not on her watch:

There's a story about Sampat going to the police to try to release a man whom she thinks the police arrested purely to get a bribe. This is Sampat's version of what happened after the police turned her away.

Ms. Pal: (Through Translator) The next day, I took my gang of several hundred women, all with lathi sticks. We surrounded the police station. We beat the police officers sitting outside the station. The other policemen came out with their lathi sticks. Our women then got very aggressive and started beating up the police, and then we tied them up.

She's not just a vigilante though. She uses her fame and growing stature to improve the conditions in her community. Including discouraging the marriage of underage girls. She herself was entered into an arranged marriage at twelve.

Ms. Pal: (Through Translator) A man will never have enough guts to raise a hand against me. I would just slap him back into place. If a woman really wants to, she can put a man in his place.