Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Shopping with wax|wendy: Scenes from the mall

If your kid starts crying because the toy animals are frozen in moments of life and death struggle ... yeah, that was me.  Sorry.

I'm just going to sit here and eat all the baby penguins.

Life beyond the paddock proved to be crueler and shorter than Blaze could ever have imagined.

Fear was for tomorrow.  Today they would cross the Mara River unchallenged.

For those about to drink, we salute you.

We've talked about this before, right?  Is it really necessary to gender segregate baked goods??  And if you're pushing cookies, I would reconsider the use of the word "cavity".

This is a page from a delightful little book called The Southern Night Before Christmas.

What?  Of course one of the reindeer is called Sister.  Naturally.

This has drinking game written alllll over it.

You can hang both of these on your tree, but you might need a buffer ornament in between to keep the peace.

When did Barbie get Kardashian'd?

Over 2-feet of hair.  Perfect for the budding princess or baby drag queen in your life.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Happy Kwanzaa! Pass the corn nuts.

You've seen it. You're mocked it. You've thrown up in your mouth a little at the sight of it ... but have you ever wondered how it came to be?

While semi-homemade Sandra Lee may have unleashed the Kwanzaa cake upon the world, she didn't actually write the recipe. That blame credit goes to cookbook author Denise Vivaldo. Her mea culpa has been taken down from the Huffington Post where it originally appeared, but nothing ever truly disappears from the interwebs ...

In my defense, I must start at the beginning. I've been developing recipes for cookbook authors and food companies for over twenty years ... I sell recipes from $100-$400 dollars apiece plus the cost of groceries. I love it. Not only is it fun, creative and challenging, I get to study all kinds of food. Most projects are just plain terrific. I'm humbled by the amazing people I've gotten to write and work for.
But (isn't there always a but?)...wait for it...wait for it. 
One night in my office, at least 10 years ago, my phone rang. I answered it. If only I had noticed that my dogs started to howl and blood mysteriously started seeping from the walls. Alas, I did not. So excited to close the sale, I made an appointment with a personal assistant to meet "the next Martha Stewart, only bigger." I was happy to think about this latest project that would help feed my assistants.
It turned out that the premise of this cookbook would be "delicious desserts with nothing made from scratch." This book would be the second in a series. The first book was almost done, but apparently the writer, food stylist and recipe tester from that first book had all gone sailing in the Bermuda Triangle to celebrate and had disappeared. The books were being self-published by Ms. Lee, unless she could find a publisher, ASAP. She really, really wanted a publishing partner.
I 'm not sure if it was because my head was spinning 360 degrees and my retinas had become burned by some horrible smoke that seemed to fill the room whenever she moved, but I wasn't grasping the concept. "No fresh food. Just canned food. Nothing fresh, do you understand me? All food out of cans or boxes, so it's easy for the homemaker ...and write the brand name of the cans or boxes right in the recipe."
I assumed it was the ten years of smoking dope in my formative years that was making me stupid. Then I thought, okay, this is another slant on The Cake Mix Doctor, by Anne Byrn. A book that had been wildly successful. I can do this.
Before you say a word, let me say one more thing in my defense.
I have people that depend on me for their livelihood. Assistants, designers, photographers, and especially my American Express Platinum card. I sign the checks, so I have to bring in the money. To make my small business work, I took the job. First time I ever signed a contract. Of all the truly big stars and real celebrities I've worked with, it was always just a handshake and my reputation for getting the job done that created the deal. To put it simply, I deliver what I say I will.
Thirteen months past and after exactly 151 recipes, I tried to fake my death.
Ms. Lee called and though we were done with the book, she needed at least ten extra angel food cakes for "fun" sugary holiday times to sell to a magazine ... Please ask yourself, what would you have done in my place? See how that Kwanzaa cake is looking better from my perspective? I will tell you truly, the candles were her idea.
I guess I imagined something more refined. And I know the Corn Nuts were disgusting, but she didn't. As a matter of fact, the more tasteless the recipes got the more she liked them, the faster she approved them, and I could get home and drink some medium-priced wine after our meetings. She's not a good role model for abstinence.
I've never watched any of the videos on YouTube. My priest says, "Never call the devil."
And to think, Anthony Bourdain was afraid of her. Crap, he was never even close.

Woman behind ‘Sandra Lee Kwanzaa Cake’ Explains Debacle | EURweb

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Here we come a'caroling: "Little Blue Man Group Drummer Boy"

Was anyone else hoping for an appearance by David Bowie dressed as his 70's self?  It seems to be a thing on Late Night.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Totally geektastic gift ideas for the fanboy and nerdgirl in your life - 2010: Part of the Second

To be the man, you've got to beat the man ... in a mask.

Lucha Libre masks via Cool Material

Do you need to affix take out menus and childrens' art to your fridge?  Well, there's a magnet for that.

I make this suggestion with fair warning - buy it ONLY if your giftee was eventually able to purchase Comic Con 2011 tickets.

Otherwise I take no responsibility for the thrashing you're likely to incur.  

Error 500 Internal Server Error tshirt

Does your loved one want to be among the first to welcome our sentient robot overlords?  Consider sending them to Singularity University.
Singularity University is an interdisciplinary university whose mission is to assemble, educate and inspire leaders who strive to understand and facilitate the development of exponentially advancing technologies in order to address humanity’s grand challenges. With the support of a broad range of leaders in academia, business and government, Singularity University hopes to stimulate groundbreaking, disruptive thinking and solutions aimed at solving some of the planet’s most pressing challenges. Singularity University is based at the NASA Ames campus in Silicon Valley.

Naturally, if you go to the trouble of selecting the perfect geektastic gift, you should at least wrap it in perfectly geektastic paper.

You could give me an empty box on Christmas, I wouldn't care.  Not if it was wrapped in Dune paper.

Bless the Maker and all His works; Bless the coming and going of Him.

Sci Fi inspired wrapping paper by merrypranxter via io9.